My Spiritual Story, Plus a Life Changing Pilgrimage - Part 1

Comprehensive nourishment isn't just about good food and exercise. It's about our relationships, emotions, relaxation, purpose, leisure, service, financial, and spiritual lives as well...

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I escaped church hurt/trauma in my early years

I grew up in a Protestant (Presbyterian) church in the ’70s and ’80s. I attended church with my parents and younger sister. Our church was founded with a focus on “family oriented-activities” more than legalistic principles. I have fond memories of those activities: the monthly potluck dinner groups we called cluster; Christmas tree-cutting trips to the mountains in the winter; a bike-a-thon to raise money for charity in the summer.

As far as the church aspect of church? We were all good “pew warmers.” But we weren’t Bible readers. I mean, a couple passages were read each week as part of the service, so I was familiar with some Bible vernacular and stories. But I didn’t read the Bible. Who does that? My grandmother, maybe. But she was, you know, a grandmother.

During church each week we sang some traditional hymns (which I still like), listened to a children’s story before the sermon, and recited the Lord’s Prayer by memory, along with some call-and-response corporate prayers. We had communion once a month. We celebrated Christmas and Easter services on their respective dates each year. Beyond that, we didn’t give much thought, if any, to a religious life.

My spiritual seeking begins

I’ve always been a seeker. More specifically, I’ve sought out and longed for meaning —which included, among other things, a desire for a deeper spiritual connection.

While my early church experiences were free from abuse and trauma (which I know isn’t the case for everyone), I still felt like something was missing. Our weekly church services didn’t hurt me, but they didn’t fill me up either. Parts felt far removed and unrelated to my life in the “modern world.” I wanted more, not less, of a spiritual life.

I’ve always been aware of people who reject their religious upbringings and refer to themselves as “Recovering Catholics” or “spiritual but not religious” as they chose to connect with “A Universal Energy” or “a higher power of their own understanding” because they don’t do the “God thing.”

I get it. I rejected the fire and brimstone piece as well, but I never wanted to (or was able to) completely throw out God. So I found solace in books, trying to figure out where I stood. Were there others like me?

I read authors like Sue Monk Kidd and Martha Beck, who wrote about leaving the Southern Baptist Church and The Church of Latter-Day Saints respectively. They evoked the “sacred and divine feminine” in place of the patriarchy. For many years this felt resonant.

1993 was a pivotal time. I moved to London, where I lived and worked. It’s also where I had my first exposure to and experiences with psychics, tarot cards, and astrology. I was introduced to the technicolor world of “spirituality” that I had been searching for. When I returned to the U.S., I took a holistic health class at a local community college (as you do when you’re a lifelong learner) and the teacher mentioned the Unity Church. I looked it up and thought to myself, “This is exactly what I’ve been looking for.”

For the next 10 years, I immersed myself in the metaphysical worship services and all their teachings. Unity believes we are all one, and a Christ consciousness permeates through everything and everyone. I studied A Course In Miracles (ACIM) and listened to ACIM cassette tape lectures (it was the 1990s!) from Marianne Williamson. My personal library began to swell. I read books about and interacted with people who were into energy healing, abundance, and prosperity mindset, ascended masters, spirit guides, angels, creative visualization, and past lives. You name it, I read it and found people who were practicing it. I was a frequent consumer of the New Age and New Thought/Spiritual bookstores. I liked this spiritual life that I discovered.

And then, in 2009, I pretty much walked away from it all.

For the first time in my somewhat sheltered life, I got too close to the dark side. I saw the abuse, manipulative control, groupthink, and Cultish practices up close and personal. The spiritual (religious) trauma that hadn’t been part of my story all of a sudden was becoming my story.

I fled.

One year into Kundalini Yoga and I was exposed to things that should never happen in spiritual communities, or any community for that matter. Kundalini Yoga is loosely pulled from the Sikh religion with a large dose of “teachings channeled from a guru.” In the 1960’s a self-proclaimed teacher from East India came to the US to share a “secret technology” aka spiritual practice with Westerners.

When I became aware of the the lawsuits and widespread abuse, some people suggested I just take what I like and leave the rest. I couldn’t. I scrambled to quickly navigate my way through and out of the gaslighting and brainwashing—which was not easy. I was shook.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was the court records for a prison sentence my California “teacher” served. He was prosecuted by the Colorado District Attorney for embezzling money from Colorado businesses in the early 2000s. I was a Colorado business owner at that time.

I threw my yoga mat in a dumpster, and I left everything religious and spiritual behind.

Kundalini Yoga strongly discouraged alcohol use because “it messed with your energetic aura,” so I wasn’t drinking during that time. But after leaving the yoga, I remember thinking, “I’m done with all of this spiritual stuff. I’m just going to drink wine and enjoy my life. That’s what everyone else does, right?”

It wasn’t until years later, when I was well into my alcohol-free lifestyle choice, that I made an important realization:

“The time in my life when I drank the most, was the time when I’d lost all spiritual connection and had no spiritual anchor.”

I know from my work with Gray Area Drinkers that any type of loss (a relationship, a dream, a career, etc.) is a time when drinking can certainly amp up. This spiritual loss—trauma—rattled me to the core. My drinking escalated. I used alcohol to medicate the rage and grief I felt from this experience and other things in my life during that time as well.

How Anne Lamott and Mary Karr (two long-time sober, and well-known authors) played a role in bringing me back to the church

I was still adrift spiritually when I quit drinking in 2014. Yet I felt the strong pull to return to England because it had been such a pivotal place for me years earlier. I decided to use the money I wasn’t spending on alcohol to travel to the UK.

When I visited London every year between 2015-2020, I’d still stop by my favorite New Age shop in Covent Garden. I’d get tarot card readings there. But I also started visiting English cathedrals. Old stone churches built in the Middle Ages felt sacred and reverent to me. I was drawn to them. When I lived in London in 1993, I attended the Christmas Eve service at Gloucester Cathedral with a friend. That experience always stuck with me.

Back home in the U.S., I heard Anne Lamott on a podcast one day in 2016. She talked about her Centering Prayer practice and attending the Episcopal Church. Then I found an interview with Mary Karr who also spoke about her faith and the Episcopal Church.

Around the same time, I saw a post from Sara Avant Stover. She was crowdsourcing Facebook to see if anyone knew of a church in Boulder that focused on the teachings of Mary Magdalene. I’d seen Sara post about her solo retreats to St. Benedict’s Monastery in Aspen as well.

Wait a minute!

You mean I could go to the Episcopal Church, which is similar to the Church of England? How had I not put this together until now? And there were monasteries and churches in the U.S. that tap into ancient Christianity? Why was I waiting for a Cathedral experience once a year in England when I could find what I was looking for at home?

Unbeknownst to Anne, Mary, and Sara, they were helping me open what I buried years ago. I went from “done with all this stuff” to curious again —God Curious.

On Ash Wednesday 2017, I stumbled into the Episcopal Cathedral in downtown Denver and attended a traditional church service (outside of Christmas and Easter) for the first time in over 25 years. I choked back tears. It surprised me how good it felt.

I soon settled into regularly attending the Sunday night contemporary (Celtic) service at the Cathedral. Nadia Bolz Weber was a frequent guest speaker. Ironically, I discovered Nadia through one of her books in the Iona, Scotland bookstore before I ever knew she lived and preached in Denver. The blend of ancient and progressive Christianity wasn’t something I knew existed, let alone something I ever thought I’d be involved in.

Then Covid hit

My life turned upside down. Churches in Colorado shut down for 1.5+ years. I questioned a lot of things (as you do when you are a questioner). It had now been 30 years on this long and winding road, although at the time I didn’t think I was wandering. But when I look back, it’s undeniably clear how God picked me up from the road I was on, plopped me down, and said, “Enough!”

[to be continued…]

Coming Soon - Part II - My Spiritual Journey and Life-Changing Pilgrimage

— How things shifted when I turned 50.

— My incredible journey into the Holy Land.

— 12 days living in and traveling through the desert in the Middle East.

— Integrating and digesting these experiences.